Lol @ linux

Why is Linux so hard? You have to do a lot of rooting around.

(Sorry… worst joke yet)

How to get a dictator to visit your website

If you’re feeling brave, there are a few easy ways you can get traffic to your website. Just don’t get your hopes up for getting money from it.

Upload a page where you say you have secrets. For example, you could say:

Click here to see what North Korea doesn’t want the world to know.

That’ll get some attention! Or better yet:

Log in here to see secrets of North Korea.

Then watch your hits soar as they try to hack your site.

On the other hand, if your site has water-tight security, you may even be able to get some money out of it…

Click here to buy secrets of North Korea for just $99.

You’ll probably just get one purchase, but every little bit helps towards your funeral costs.

On receipt of payment, you could even have the landing page say something like this:

Dear North Korea,

Congratulations ! Your payment has enabled this website to  upload a Trojan to your computer. As you read this, it is spreading across your computer network, covertly sending anything it finds to ME. Now I actually have something to sell 😉

See you in Den Haag!

Actually, there is one other approach. We all know the Internet boom was funded by porn. And we all know how these dictators plaster images of themselves everywhere, because they think it’s what their people want to see. The truth is they’re just narcissists. So the best way to get one to buy from you might be this:

Click here  to buy a video of Kim Jong-Un masturbating in front of a mirror.

There will only ever be one person clicking on that link, I guarantee it.


I knew it would work! Hiiiii!

It has been a week since I wrote this post. As I write this update, my blog is experiencing a distributed brute-force attack. Starting this morning, I have had over 5000 attempts from nearly 2000 IP addresses to crack my site’s security. Thankfully whoever is orchestrating this will take about a billion, billion, billion, billion, billion, billion years to succeed. I would sooo love it to be the North Koreans! Hellooooooo!

Lol @ String

A piece of string walks into a bar.

Barman: “Are you going to be a problem?”

String: “I’m not a thread”

Lol @ Andrex

I had a few moments to spare and something on the back of a pack of Andrex rolls caught my eye.

On most household items these days, brands always try to make their product more exciting, easier to use, more attractive to the consumer, and where appropriate, instructions for use.

I always liked a good read of the back of a cereal packet while having breakfast. It doesn’t have to be much; at that time in the morning, even an ingredients list can be more than adequately stimulating. And quite frankly, I’ll also find myself reading just about anything while on the crapper.

But what I found on the back of this Andrex pack was surprisingly surprising:

IMG_20150801_132759

I mean, really, who on earth needs instructions for wiping their arse? If someone is capable of reading, then they should surely already know how to wipe their arse.

What’s even more surprising, is they seem to have missed out some crucial steps.

So maybe my assumption that everyone is aware of the steps in procedure was incorrect. I mean, if the manufacturers of toilet roll can’t get it right, then perhaps it would be a great public service if someone were to outline a complete procedure – so those looking to become proficient have a definitive reference. After all, mistakes could cause quite a mess.

So I’ve decided to take the liberty of preparing such a guide, which I will include in a future post once complete. It should be noted that while I’m not a professional, I do have a lot of experience.

If anyone has any suggestions on refining my process, please do let me know, so I can work towards a neater, more refined, more accurate, and more useful revision. I will then send it to Andrex – I suspect it will be well received.

 

 

Lol @ obesity

My friend William was worried about his weight. He asked me if his frying pan has made him fat. I said “It’s just a pot Billy.”

Lol @ sound card equalizer

So I was trying to get my naff speakers to play Whitney Housten properly. No highs, no lows, must be Bose. But Windows 8 has no treble or bass controls, so after some research I realised I had to work out the make and model of my motherboard, and get the driver for that. After more research, I found a 300MB download. Got there in the end. (God, surely it doesn’t need 300MB). So I’m flipping through the different equalizer presets. Cave, Concert hall, Arena, Sewer pipe, awesome, just what I had in mind. Oh wait, “Padded Cell”. Now that brings back memories. That’s the one thing I miss:  the acoustics of my padded cell. They really were second to none.  All this hassle was worth it.